Sugar's Blog

Too Busy To Blog Because...

2007-12-16T10:11:00.000-08:00

Merry Cristmas Baby!

Great Bumper Sticker

2007-11-29T08:14:00.000-08:00

Sugar doesn't have any horribly bad exes but this is still priceless

I RAN INTO MY EX YESTERDAY
SO I PUT IT IN REVERSE AND HIT HIM AGAIN!

A Sunday Blog

2007-11-18T09:15:00.000-08:00

Sugar got wind that a friend of Honey (in the spirit of the blog Sugar will call her Laffy Taffy) knits up all sort of characters. Sugar loves her creations and coveted one for herself. Sugar was a bit nervous about Laffy Taffy getting into copyright infringement issues - doesn't the good book say

"lead us not into incarceration and deliver us from financial ruin"

or something like that?

Therefore Sugar made a request for the ultimate in uncopyrighted characters

And here he is in all of his Acrylicness

Sugar keeps him in her purse and when she sees folks who inquire "So what have you been up to?" Sugar whips him out and says "I've found Jesus" As well as appropriately thanking him

Sour Patch Kids say "let's go out to dinner" Thank you Jesus
Splenda calls and says "I just got a full ride scholarship!" Thank you Jesus

Now Sugar realizes this might be the first player in Sugar's little blog-drama who doesn't get christened with a blog-name, but in the spirit of reverence Sugar has for all of his four-inches of knotted glory (there Sugar goes again with the Cialis commercial material!) his name shall remainuth unaltered upon hern lips forever and ever. Really, Sugar doesn't want to incur his wrath for suggesting something he finds distasteful or unkosher (like Coconut or Wiener)

But if Sugar had to christen his perfection -

Beautiful Day

2007-11-13T18:17:00.000-08:00

The Santa Ana winds have some value as they provide endlessly beautiful sunsets. Sugar and Sour Patch Kids went bike riding at the beach and FOR ONCE Sour Patch Kids got the better of Sugar, mainly because Sugar had what bikers call TMC

TOO MUCH CHEESE

Bless Us Oh Lord...

2007-11-12T16:09:00.000-08:00

Last night at Sour Patch Kids' umpteenth birthday dinner our host requested that SPK "say grace" (SAY WHAT!!!) Sugar has learned from various religious rituals experienced with Sour Patch Kids that he never pays much attention, but really, how hard is it?

No exaggeration this was actually his prayer

"ble n lord nah yeah thee me her amen"

Sugar has a plan for next time. How about

"Thanks for the food dude!"

It would totally less humiliating.

Words Of Wisdom

2007-11-12T15:56:00.000-08:00

Who Needs a Husband

When You Have Manhatten

by Splenda

Sugar's Little Sugar

2007-11-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

There are no words

Why Didn't Sugar Think of This

2007-11-11T12:14:00.000-08:00

Sugar is soo going to order a DD

Let's Go Down to the Disco

2007-11-10T07:56:00.001-08:00

Sugar went out last night and met some friends who were going to buy "a" drink for Sour Patch Kids to celebrate his big one (sounds like a Cialis commercial!) Needless to say no self respecting guy can buy "a" drink, nor can the celebratee drink "a" drink and somewhere around the sixth and seventh, the imbibers (Sugar was the DD) decided there was a great dive bar with Karaoke just waiting for our group.

Sugar likes and warms to a great dive bar. She finds the sights, smells ,and bad outfits delicious. This was beyond delicious. Where did these people come from???? Most of them were much too awkward for the chess club and were also booted from the Trekkie convention.

The ultimate insult to the evening was that a couple of them could carry a tune. Who goes to Karaoke to hear marginal singing? Give Sugar some Love Me Tender that sounds like a drunk bullfrog or sit your ass down!!!

Sugar did have a chance to break out the Sugar Shimmy because Sour Patch Kids had to do a special dance with all the other BDay hos and he was too drunk to keep his hands off Awkward Ann's clammy paws. It was a thing of beauty to watch Sugar, in her slimming little black number and spike heals, insert herself into the thong of revelers, all clad in their peasant dresses and combat boots, to the rescue of the thoroughly trashed Sour Patch Kids.

After the dance a slurring Trekkie-reject came up to Sugar and said "Whaths your name causth I like your sctharf" This is why they can't get dates!

Target

2007-11-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

So Sugar got angry at her computer at the office and so did what any self-respecting gal would do, Sugar bailed and went to Target for the beginning of the

Xmas Tree Obsession Extravaganza!

Now dear readers (both of You!) you know all about Sugar's Xmas Tree obsession

1) Decide color of obsession

2) Buy all new ornaments in that color

3) Moratorium on any package under the tree out of sync with the color scheme

4) On and on

Sugar had a wild thought in Target that maybe we'll skip the tree this year and do something unique - like a Festivas Pole!

How about one of these

He's about three feet tall and we could surround him with other Arctic paraphernalia and wrap presents in black and white only

Or how about

With blue packages!!!!

Splenda and Honey - send your thoughts.

This isn't big enough to decorate and adorn with gifts but Sugar sure did like this little number

Apparently Sugar has stumbled upon Target's new Butch Fairy line of holiday gifts

WTF

2007-10-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

Sugar is not sure what this post was/is/should be. It just had "Tuesday" with no posting or Sugary insight. Its hanging around is making Sugar crazy. So here ya go

Sugar at a coffee plantation in Khuai?Kuaihi?Kuwaii?Coowyeee?

And Speaking of the Game

2007-10-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

What's with the boner medication commercials? Sugar thinks they would be more entertaining if they would run the actual conversations the couples are having instead of romantic background music.

Cialis - a couple bathing in separate outdoor bathtubs
First of all maybe he doesn't have a boner because the creepy couple next door are sitting in their side-by-side bathtubs, but anywho what she says is "Honey, I like these separate tubs because when I feel around for the soft, squishy sponge - it's actually the loofah!"

More Cialis - More couples doing lots of stuff you need a boner for - like hiking, and having dinner at a restaurant. There's always a black couple, so guys don't worry black guys have those troubles too! By far my vote for let us hear the real sound track is-

The Rowing Scene - the couple is rowing in a small boat and he says "Honey we need to get out of here and call the doctor since I've had this boner for eighteen hours" She replies "Bullshit, lie down and let me hoist my sweater up on that thing - we're going to Catalina!"

OMG just saw a Flomax commercial that showed men hugging each other dicussing "weak stream" Jesus wearing a mohawk make it stop!!!

GO SOX

2007-10-28T11:40:00.001-07:00

So Sugar has a pervy little crush on

And

Whose combined age's are probaby less than Sugar's biological years!!

And Manny - love, love, love you too.

Love (1) Becasue you're hot and a great hitter

Love (2) For the hair extensions and the casual toss of the helmet

Love (3) for two sons - both named Manny!

Gimme LESSS!!!

2007-09-10T09:33:00.001-07:00

This is an unbelievable train wreck that Sugar just can't stop watching. Sugar happened upon this when her espoused (in the spirit of the blog Sugar will call him Sour Patch Kids) had it discreetly playing behind his "Financial" News. Oh yeah Sour Patch Kids, oops you did it again!

The wig looked good though Brit, and you made Sugar's day by being oh so much fatter than Sugar. You also made Sugars lackluster moves seem almost Baryshnikov-esque.

For these things, Sugar thanks you. And also for allowing Sugar to refer to this as a Britney

$$$$

2007-09-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

So Splenda did you get that scholarship yet?

Because Sugar bought these and this

so she would look cool on this

Just Some Stuff that Sugar Loves

2007-09-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

also having these, while watching this (priceless scene), and wearing these

Indeed

While You Are Away Splenda

2007-08-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

Sugar is getting into the spirit of having just Honey around, and trying to mold her into something that Sugar wants to hang out with (this is THE definition of motherhood!) Sugar thought she was being tres successful what with going to coffee and taking her on shopping adventures. The other day Sugar and Honey even went downtown and bought shoes.

Sugar thought everything was going swimmmingly and sorry but you've been replaced Splenda - but then three days later I find the shoes here

Now these bad girls (Target, Splenda $24.99)

have been here

and here

And these sassy little numbers

Have been two-steppin all over town.

Sugar thinks the moral of the story is------>You can lead the girl to the Manolas - but you can't squeeze her toes into them (or something like that)

Privies

2007-08-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

It has become apparent that Sugar has an abnormal obsession with bathrooms. Not like Sugar's sister-in-law-the-decorator-obsession, more like Sugar's 13-year-old-JR-high-students'-obsession. Generally, Sugar finds the creative spaces where bodily functions are brought to fruition - hilarious. Hence the second (of probably many) post regarding the entertaining nature of privies.

Sugar was quite amused to find this gem in Malibu. Maybe it's the salt air, or the wild abandon of celebrity stalking paparazzi, or the fact that once on PCH you've got to bring out your sportiest ride, but a gear shifter within the Andy Gump?

Sugar wasn't sure whether the need to shift was for the pleasure of an overdrive stream, or if a gear change was required to go from #1 to #2. And what if Sugar wanted (as she always does) to use the urinal? Was the shifter multitasking in that way?

All of these questions were left unanswered because it was, after all, a public place of relief, and Sugar wasn't going to spend too many stinky minutes investigating and Sugar felt a bit too bound up to explore all of her options. Next time!

Moving Day

2007-08-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

So Splenda is off to college and Sugar spent the day alternatingly weeping and gnashing her teeth (love the gnashing!) while she checked out the supposedly "cleaned" room (s). Sufficed to say the 30 year gap in age, and the fiduciary responsibility of the mortgage, gives Sugar an unparalleled advantage in judging tidiness.

Oh Splenda!

Sugar's judgements of relative cleanliness aside -

WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THE BEAUTY PRODUCTS COME FROM?????

No wonder you are beautiful. Five gallons of soaps and bath gels, eight gallons of conditioner, two gallons of shampoo, and a plethora of nail shit. When parents of old used to catch their children smoking the favorite cure was to sit them down and make them smoke a whole pack. Which weeded out the un-serious and catapulted the true addicts to a new smoking dimension (hello all of Sugar's relatives).

In that great spirit of the crazed 60's -

Splenda will be spending her winter break bathing.

Long's Drugs

2007-08-04T19:22:00.000-07:00

OK so Sugar has had all sorts of bloggable experiences of late but she just can't get her ass in gear. Que Sera. Mais cette experience truely stands out in what passes for Sugar's mind.

WARNING TO SPLENDA AND HONEY - DISCUSSIONS OF THE NETHER REGIONS

Alright onwardawah....

So Sugar goes into the drug store to get some Preperation H - Not because Sugar has flamming ass, but because Sugar has heard that this is a great wrinkle cream. Sugar looked in all the obvious places - with the zit creams, with the wart creams, with the toe fungus creams. Do you think it would be in any of the obvious places?? Hell no.

Sugar even calld her BFF (in the spirit of the blog Sugar will call her Raisinettes.). Raisinettes suggested some other locations, Sugar searchd each and everyone of them, but to no avail.

Do you notice that when one is shopping for unspeakables -

ALL OF A SUDDEN THE WHOLE WORLD WANTS TO HELP YOU!

For instance, there was this creepy medication jockey buzzing around the store but there was no way Sugar was going to ASK FOR PREPERATION H!!!!! Good god, Sugar would have had to look him in all four of his eyes and go on and on about how Sugar didn't have flamming ass, but Sugar's has wrinkles, but not that badley yet, sorry if you can't tell with those peepers of yours, etc.

So anywho Sugar got pissed and decided to stomp out of the store. Now all of a sudden Sugar couldn't find anyone who was interested. Which was dissappointing becasue Sugar really wanted to make eyes contact with the clerk so she could say "You know kiss my blistered ass - oops - I mean my wrinkled eyes!!!"

While I was Away

2007-06-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

So Sugar has been enjoying life as of late with regular trips to the gym to try and transform her ass from taffy into jawbreakers. Sugar tries to end each session with a relaxing snooze in he sauna. Now the sauna at Sugar's gym is a blessedly lonely place where Sugar can quietly drip private-part sweat onto her pile of towels without much interruption. Sugar postulates that the other females members of the gym (with the notable exception of Splenda) think the women's locker room is just one big booth for their cell phone use - hello ladies, take a shower ok!!!

Anywho - Sugar was recently doing her sauna thing when a tragic alignment of the cosmos occurred and a noisy herd of Stepclass-ees came in the room just as Sugar had inadvertently passed gas. Good God - what if one of them decided she needed to use her cell phone in the heated phone booth? Open the door and escape Sugar - but no - the hot stench might follow you and it would be hard to blame it on the nearby poopey diapered baby (Sugar does this in the grocery store, sometimes Target - it works well).

Sugar decided the only hope would be to circulate the air a bit thus diminishing the foulness to a general sweltering sauna stench. Sugar leaped up and proceeded to flail her towels about creating a momentary, mini-Katrina within the sauna. Sugar felt brilliant and triumphant, until she realized that the side wall of the sauna was built of frosted glass and if the Stepclass-ees looked in it would appear that a crazed member was performing some putrid version of Swan Lake in the nude.

Sugar is now back on her meds

KARMA

2007-05-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

Not exactly Cats Eating His face

Priceless Headline (Make sure to click on links)

2007-05-22T12:34:00.001-07:00

Gay Flamingos Adopt Baby

Other headlines Sugar would love to see;

Victoria Villages Replaces John Ferro

Meet Paris's Cellmates

Abused Kids' Parent's Sent to Jail - Kids get these

Herd Returns to Wyoming and So Does Tribe- Cheneys Now Homeless

Rabid Cats Eat the President's Face

Amusing Things Sugar Finds

2007-05-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

Sugar was spring cleaning her kitchen drawers and of all the weird shit contain therein, the hackey sack in the pot-holder drawer was clearly the favorite. Sugar left it there!

P.ut M.om S.omewhere

2007-05-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

So Sugar had a great Mum's Day beginning with a bouquet filled with flowers, Raisinets, and Wax Chocolate Donuts (someone reads the blog!), and ending with a lovely cake and new MP3 player. Half-way through the day Sugar realized her normal level of insanity was a bit elevated, which Sugar expertly self-diagnosed as PMS.

Oddly enough Sugar began to enjoy her lingering PMS as she realized what an apropos metaphor for motherhood it truly was. Raging mood swings from unfettered delight to fantasies of spousal-cide, punctuated with regular binges of chocolate.

Shit Happens

2007-05-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

Sugar spotted this gem on a recent trip to The Coffee House with Splenda and Honey. Check out the left corner where instructions for the use of this contraption is given in the ever popular braille. Now Sugar sat there for hours (okay 2 minutes) trying to decide what self-respecting blind person would go into a public restroom with their poopy baby and then proceed to read instructions on how to use the changing table. How does one read something with their fingers while holding a baby at arms length anyway? More importantly - how would one know the changing table was in the restroom if you were blind???

TGIF

2007-05-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

Sugar went to the mall yesterday with her girls (in the spirit of the blog Sugar will call them Splenda and Honey) We hung out for a bit at the junk food aisle - See's, Cinnabon, Candy Factory, and Coffee for the Over-Weight Non-Coffee Drinkers. Sugar looked around and thought random mall thoughts such as "Those shoes don't go with that outfit!" "That polka dot underwear doesn't go with those thin white pants!" and "What kind of an odd belt is that rotund women over there wearing -Oh my God it's not a belt, it's her thong trapped in the excesses of her hips!!!" Sugar was generally pleased though, that these people had come to the mall for a make-over.

Much to Sugar's disgust, they hadn't

When Plame isn't the Worst Leak

2007-05-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

Sugar was excited yesterday for she was scheduled for a permanent waxahwa. Those of you well versed in Sugarese realize the suffix "ahwa" refers to things of the nether regions. So there you have it! In peparation Sugar needed to become mostly unencumberedahwa to avoid undue chaffing and the like so Sugar went commando in a loose fitting, dark, long, skirt. Sugar was super careful climbing out of cars so as not to shoot a big Brittney to onlookers.

What Sugar forgot was the lack of lacy catch-basin-ahwa. After a large iced coffee with the girls Sugar ran into a long-winded friend at the mailbox. Suffice to say it's a good thing Sugar has been practicing the "eagle" pose, thus barely saving her treasured Steve Maddens.

Trunk Envy

2007-05-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

Sugar was riding with a friend yesterday (in the spirit of the blog, Sugar will call her Twizzler). When we got to the destination Twizzler opened her trunk to reveal an enormous collection of stuff, junk, and miscellanea. Sugar was hearken back to days of old when she too owned a car that belonged exclusively to Sugar, dedicated to Sugar, and held everything Sugary. Miscellanea abounded - food, clothes, furniture, and hygiene products. No matter where Sugar went she was never at a loss for flip-flops, tampons, or wax chocolate donuts (cleverly hidden in a pair of tube socks to keep the pretense of a health-conscious lifestyle). I promise to one day own that car again!

Caramelized

2007-05-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

Sugar's weary this morning after an intense evening of Hot Yoga . Sugar tries to be a good yogi and concentrate on herself, not others in the room. Sugar is puzzled and challenged however by the unbelievable bodies in the room (mostly ignoring the steady drip of sweat onto the towels). Is it the Yoga that makes them so stunning, do stunning women gravitate to Yoga, or is it just the plethora of billionaires in Santa Barbara who have stunning wives/girlfriends?

Uno

2007-05-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

Sugar has started a blog!!! Much excitement and trepidation. Will they like it? Will they come back? Who exactly are they? Will there be any they? There are two theys out there who better stop by once in awhile - you know who you are!